15 day Smoothie/Juice fast. What inspired me, and why?

Today I am starting a new adventure. My friend Cheryl over at http://treasuresfromashoebox.blogspot.com/ went on a 60 day juice fast this spring. She tells all about it on her new blog http://tugboatvoyage.blogspot.com/. I know her personally, so this is not just some person I am pulling out of a hat and following blindly after. I trust her character and am going to bite the bullet and try it. Today she is starting a 15 day reboot, which I am joining in on. I am terrible at blogging, I really don't know how to do anything on here. The more I try to figure things out, the more confused I get. :) Anyway, I figured I'd try and blog my experiences if I can keep up with it. Perhaps it will keep me more accountable, and keep me at it.

I know, I have several friends who have said, but Jasmine, you look fine the way you are, you don't need to lose weight. While I appreciate your opinion, only you (the actual person) know what what weight you feel best with. Let me stop and tell  you a little bit about my struggle. I have never been "fat" as in seriously overweight. However, I have always struggled and tried some crazy thing after another to stay within a reasonable weight range. I come from a "big" family with 15 children. There were 8 girls and 7 boys. One of my sisters went to be with Jesus as just a small baby, so we have 7 girls and 7 boys living. I had always been bigger than my sisters, even though I have never been "big". Growing up, I could never wear my sisters clothes because I was bigger than them, and instead of accepting myself for how I was and who God made me to be, I felt inferior, and "ugly" compared to them. My sister who is just 2 years older than me is beautiful and always has been. But she is not just beautiful on the outside, her inner spirit radiates peaces and joy that add to her beauty. I have a tendancy to be loud and opinionated. Not always a wonderful trait, especially when we are striving to have a meek and quiet spirit. So, when I would compare myself to her especially, I would find myself sadly lacking. We had a love/hate relationship growing up. I was a slob in comparison to her orderliness, and she was blessed to share a room with me until she went to college. :)

Several years ago we went through a series of circumstances in our lives where a lot of thing happened within a short time. My husband's business went under due to circumstances beyond our control. Partially because of the failing economy, and partially for reasons of human intervention on another's part. My husband could have taken action and recovered some of his money, but felt God wanted  him to just let it go. My husband's younger brother died of cancer at the age of 27, and our lives were in a jumble. Through it, we lost everything we had. Our house,  2 cars, beautiful camper, along with  work equipment,  dump trailer, mowing trailer and more. We decided to move out of state and just start over. We moved to a beautiful little town in Arkansas and soon found a great little church family to worship with. However, instead of my being thankful and thriving in our new enviroment, I became depressed and wouldn't do anything. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anybody, and didn't know where to start branching out, and was to scared to do it if and when suggestions were made.  My husband traveled quite a bit with his job, and instead of supporting him like I should have, I felt sorry for myself and being there.

After living there only 5 months, we moved back home to Indiana. It was a mutual decision for the health of our family, and we were both happy to be back. However, as I say that, we both look back to our time in Arkansas as a very growing special time for our family. Life was slower, and we had more time for our family, even though my husband was away a lot. We went bike riding as a family regularly. We could walk to the park and the library. My kids still talk about the times we had there, and it has been 4 years that we have been back in Indiana this month.

During this period in our lives I picked up some weight. Not terribly so, but enough that I felt it. I have a tendancy to turn to food when I am stressed out. The craziest thing about it is, when I am eating, I know myself well enough that I know I am eating because I am feeling stressed, but choose to do so anyway. When we moved back home, we made some other changes and several months after being home decided to leave the church we had attended since our marriage and find a new church home. We visited and made our choice. My husband had known many of the people for years, so it didn't take a lot for him to feel like he fit in. However, I was still hovering in my shell and was nervous about new people and places. The people are a great group of people, and within time, I felt like I too had a place and belonged.

In the year of 2009, my sister who is four years younger than I got married. It was going to be the first time ever that both my Mom and Dad (who are divoriced and both remarried) along with every one of the kids were going to be together at the same time. My oldest brothers were married and 2 of them had a little boys before my youngest brother was even born. So it was a huge deal, and a very special occasion. I decided that If I had to starve myself in order to lose the weight, I would. I didn't care what it took, I was going to be "skinny" by the time I went to the wedding. Most of our family is pretty health concious and none of them are overweight. And, chances are, if you were looking chunky, someone might say something. Not to be mean, but in teasing, never realizing what it might mean to the person they are saying it to. I didn't starve myself, but I excersied rigourisly, and ate a very careful strict diet. I lost the weight I was trying to, and was very proud of myself when I went to the wedding and received compliments on how much better I looked. But, then I came home. I tried to be careful, but inventibly, I started putting weight back on. After eating a big Thanksgiving dinner, I decided the only way to not gain the weight was to throw it up. Thus began my journey with being a bulimic eater.

For the next year and a half, I struggled terribly! I would eat myself to overflowing, then go throw it up. Sometimes throwing up as many as 5 or 6 times in one day, maybe more. I loved it in the sense that I could eat whatever I wanted and I didn't feel like it mattered. No one critized me for being on "another diet", and I could pretty much do as I pleased. But, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I felt guilty and condemned. I know our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and I was damaging my body with what I was doing. I couldn't seem to stop though. Once I started, I seemed stuck. I tried a hundred times if I tried once. I cried and prayed. I asked God to help me never do it again, but I would do it again the same day. Then in the fall of 2010 I started having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety issues. I worried what I had done to my body. Had I damaged something? I confessed to my husband what was going on, but not to the full extent I was doing it. I continued to struggle and pray for deliverance. I joined Weight Watchers as a way to get rid of the weight I had put on. But at the same time, I was not willing totally come clean with my actions. Finally, the summer of 2011 at a church camp, I felt like God told me if I was willing to come completly clean and confess on myself, God would completly deliver me from my struggles of constantly throwing up. I had been doing better at that time, but I it was still a struggle in my mind. I felt embarressed and ashamed. My husband was a youth pastor, and here his wife is having issues like this? What kind of light and example could that possibly be? I decided that I couldn't do it in my own strenth anymore. I had to do whatever it took to get rid of the struggle I faced daily. I confessed before the whole congregation, and GOD COMPLETLY DELIVERED ME! I have not had a single instance since that time where I have gone back and done it again. Yes, there have been a few times the thought has crossed my mind, but never as a one that was truly entertained.

Now, in the past year, I have put about 15 lbs back on. No, it is not anything major. But, I know the struggles I have had in the past, and I know how I feel about myself when I put on weight. Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband who loves me and totally accepts me the way I am. He is not critical if I put on a few pounds. He tells me I am beautiful regardless! He is a man worth keeping! Not just for that reason, but a multitude of others! So, here is my long drawn out story why I am doing such a major thing as a juice fast for those who don't understand and want to give me reasons why it is such a bad idea. Honestly, I am not really doing a actual juice fast because I don't have a juicer. I might get one at some point and time, but at this moment, it is not a necessity, just a wish. The juicer my friend recommends is about $150.00, so as you can understand, you might think twice before purchasing it as well. I do have a Vitamix though, which is an amazing machine. So, I am going to do smoothies. If you would like to join me on my adventure, I'd love to have you come along!

Blessings on you!
Jasmine